Dear Noel,

You advised me recently about how to avoid contacting Chronic Fatigue Syndrome from living with a free-taker. Not only did I get CFS, but another lad in the house, a wing-forward who tracks back, has picked up Irritable Bowel Syndrome and Diverticulosis. He’s some mess.

The free-taker spends every evening practising his style in the sitting room. He’s worse than those golf bores swinging imaginary clubs. After ‘kicking’, he stares into the mid-distance, and then bends over as if to raise the white flag. It’s an appalling scene.

What can we do, Noel? I’ve started popping herbal stuff, and I’m afraid I’ll get Hypervitaminosis. I’m a goalkeeper.

- Tomas (21), UL

 Noel replies – I’d suggest an exorcism. Play tapes of crowds groaning as players miss crucial frees. Get friends to take turns lurking outside his window every night howling "take that useless yoke off, he’d not kick a barn door at Halloween."

In college, pay girls to leave the canteen as he enters. Get other girls to drape themselves over hard-working attackers. Daub the house with anti-free-taker graffiti. He’ll soon get the message. I see you mention him bending over to raise the white flag – an opportune time for you to restore the primacy of the top-of-the-toe kick-out.

Failing that, burn him out.

Got no-one to turn to? Knock on Noel’s door. Email This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it , or log onto www.knowledgeablenoel.com. Noel knows, because Noel’s been there.

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