Louis, club chairman – “Thanks Noel for your advice about how to handle the Teagasc Advisor managing our team. The lads are flying. Last week he hypnotised one of our corner-forwards and told him he’d wake up thinking he was Peter Canavan. Next day he scored 2-3 (0-1f) in a top-of-the-table clash. We now play The Ride of the Valkyries over the public address system before home matches.”

Tomas, UL – “The free-taker has moved out and life is back to normal. It’s all thanks to you. We set him up with a student from one of the Accession States. He’s from Tipp. Neither of them has good English. It’s an ideal match. Most evenings now you see them together on the second pitch – she runs around behind the goals and faithfully kicks the ball back to him. Now we call her The Shanagolden Retriever. Hope you can make my 21st in the Stables. You’re a legend, man.”

Prionnsias, The Ring of Kerry – “Noel, I didn’t make the minor squad. They played me corner-forward both days. I never even got a run at centre half-back. My club may withhold the registration fees for the year in protest. Just thought you’d like to know. Thanks for being there for me. Do you know much about tennis?”