Dear Noel,

I’m a wing-back but the intermediate manager’s playing me corner-forward on Sunday in the league. "Your mother was a great man to win a free," he told me at training on Tuesday night, "and I think you might have some of her qualities."

My shameful secret is I haven’t a clue how to win a free. My mother took off with a Ukrainian chimney cleaner two years ago (she brought her 17 county senior ladies medals with her) and they’re living in a flat just on the way into Kiev. Have you any pointers for a desperate man, Noel?

- Giovanni (just gone 19), South West Limerick.

 Noel replies – It’s all about having the confidence to execute your personal game-plan. Devour these five pointers tonight, Giovanni:

1. Play on one knee. Left knee for right corner-forward, and right knee for top-of-the-left.

2. Wrap your arm back around your man, and pull his full 15 stone down on top of you as the ball arrives.

3. At home, practice holding your breath for a minute and, at least once in a game, deploy this to give the impression you’re dead. It’s a ruthless referee who won’t give a free to a dying man.

4. In smaller venues, go down injured in the dying minutes. Obviously, there won’t be a stretcher, so they will have to take down the dressingroom door to carry you off. The county board will quietly instruct referees to go easy on you for fear you might sue them over the no-stretcher incident.

5. At home, practice a high-pitched squeal, like a mouse caught in a trap. When/if moving across the face of the goal, squeal on every third step, and, between squeals, tell the umpire to "open your eyes, empire."

Got no-one to turn to? Knock on Noel’s door. Email This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it , or log onto www.knowledgeablenoel.com. Noel knows, because Noel’s been there.

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