Dear Noel,

We’ve a very promising young corner-forward in our club. He’s a brilliant man to show for the ball, particularly a 70-30 one. And while some of the lads criticise him because he is inclined to go for his own score, he is so accurate it’s hard to blame him.

This morning, I met him coming out of the newsagents. He was up in arms.

"Look, Maitias," he said to me, "they got it wrong again this week. It says here I got 0-7, and 5f in brackets. I only got four frees. The other three were real ones. This is detrimental to my career. Freedom of the press is over-rated, Maitias."

Anyway, I only tell you that story to let you know what the kind of guy he is: utterly determined, single-minded, wired to the moon, a born winner, every inch the modern player.

My problem, though, is that the team go swimming two nights a week, and I fear there’s a danger his dyed blond hair might turn green from the chlorine? What can we do to prevent this because if anything happened to his hair, it would really have the capacity to ruin our team?

     - Maitias, Assistant Irish Language Officer, un-named club, North East Galway

 Noel replies – Good to cover all bases, Maitias. Buy some detox clarifying shampoos for him. Put it through the club books as Physio.

Get him to use it every night for 40 nights. Not too much, mind, or you will make barbed wire of it. Affirm him with off-the-cuff remarks such as "that was a lovely picture of you in the Tuam Herald this week, you looked so serious and determined, extremely menacing, and yet some of the essential element of your bubbly personality also shone through."

Expect him to maintain his good scoring record for the season, then. And, for God’s sake, will you talk to the lads in the papers about getting the statistics right or he might transfer to a club in Dublin.

Noel plays the possession game, mixed with the long ball. Email him on This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ; visit www.knowledgeablenoel.com; Skype (knowledgeable.noel); and Facebook (Knowledgeable Noel.)

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