Dear Noel,

I am a Kerry man living in Mayo. I have three gossoons. I have a good job. What can I do?

- Aidan, In Exile, Mid Mayo

Noel replies: A few small things I'd suggest straightaway to maintain a sense of Kerry-ness: register your car in Kerry, keep your nose in for any inheritances down at home (though you are probably doing this already - never met a Kerry man yet who was slow on this front), name your house Skelligs View, dye the lads hair carrot-orange, patronise every Mayo man you meet by telling him 'I think this could be yer year.'

I'd strongly recommend nicknames such as Tadhgie, Mossy, and Paudie.

I wouldn't move home too quickly, though, Aidan. When the three lads have seen Mayo win nine Connacht championships, and not one All-Ireland, under seven different man agers, and a fortune left in Mother Hubbards, they'll soon appreciate the green and gold then.

Stick tight for now, Aidan. Nature will take its course.

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