Dear Noel,

What do I need to be a successful selector?

- Keith, Mountbellew, North-East Galway (28)

Noel replies:

1 –  The ability to pace a sideline meaninglessly;

2 – A full repertoire of time-honoured insults e.g. “bend your back, twon’t break”; “you’re just like your father/uncle/mother/grandmother before you”; “if it was a pint a porter, Mick, you’d see it alright”;

3 – A pair of snug-fitting, fire-hazard 1980s tracksuit bottoms, with countless stripes down the side;

4 – A distinctive running/waddling style for use on your various incursions onto the pitch;

5 – Re your manager: you only speak when spoken to, or write out a sub’s slip when told to.

Meanwhile, Keith, practice running with your arms folded.   

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