Dear Noel,

I believe there is a fundamental flaw in the players’ grants. They should be based on engine size.

Whippet-like players should get less money because it costs less to run them. Players with heavy engines – lads with wider chasses and shorter wheel bases – surely deserve more money because they guzzle juice.

Have you any information on whether the GPA have taken this into account, Noel?
    
    - Barry, Limerick City.

Dear Noel,

I’m a 28 year-old attacking wing back with tanned legs, white socks, long hair, flowing moustache. I travel by motorbike.

Lately, I’ve been waking up at night in a cold sweat, dreaming my man’s cut inside for a crucial goal in the county championship after I’d lost the ball on the seventh solo of an upfield run.

The crowd are roaring at me and my own father is frothing at the mouth, shouting at the manager to 'take that gobshite off quick.’

I'm afraid my confidence will be dented by this recurrent nightmare. Any advice, Noel? My favourite band is The Grateful Dead   

    - John, East Tyrone

Dear Noel," target="_blank">

I’m at my wit’s end. I’m useless with girls. I get all shy and embarrassed. My throat dries up. I even develop this nervous twitch at the back of my neck. It’s ruining my life. For the last three years, the only thing I’ve clung onto is the prospect of making the county minor team in 2009. I’m a very good free-taker on the right wing, inside about 40 yards. I know if I make the county minors, I’ll have girls queuing up. I’ve seen this happen so often before. That polo shirt is a total babe magnet. Now I see they are talking about abolishing the minor grade. I’m frightened it might come to pass. Should I contact my Central Council delegate before the Special Congress? Am I mad?

 - Alan (16), East Laois.