Dear Noel,

I am the chairman of a junior club in Wicklow. The cost of running the club is rising every year. Our weekly Lotto is dying on its feet as we can’t get anyone to sell tickets – everyone is too busy these days to give anything back to the Association.

We badly need to improve our home gates to keep the club afloat. Have you any suggestions?

But I’m not so sure about that one, though I do know of one club who are going to try it in 2008. My reservation is based on the fact that, as you know only too well, most umpires have a God Complex and already consider themselves celebrities.

They man the goalposts of Wicklow, and, indeed every other county, palm-in-palm behind their backs, infallible in their thick black-rimmed bi-focals, trim white jackets, and Farah slacks. They signal wides like the Divine beings they believe they are (see image).

May I recommend some other approaches? How about getting that fine singer Louise Morrissey to pull the numbers for the Lotto at half-time in a league game, and then maybe wire into a rousing rendition of Slevenamon. I know she was always big down Wicklow way.

Alternatively, sticking with the Showband theme, I have another trick up my sleeve. Do you remember The Freshmen? They might provide pre-match entertainment for games. Nothing like a good chant of Papa Ooh Mow Mow, Papa Ooh Mow Mow ringing out around a football pitch.
Or possibly that young lady doing the topless bar-maiding in Montpelier in Limerick might have some relations (preferably female) over that side of the country? Now I’m sure that would send them home sweatin’.

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