Dear Noel,

You know farming, so you’ll understand my problem. It’s driving me absolutely mad. I’m gone off my food and neglecting my personal hygiene.

I’m a Charolais man for years. Yet, despite what this clearly indicates about me, our club manager sees me as a ball-winning corner-forward.

And he plays my cousin – a Limousin man – at midfield. Did you ever hear the beat of it, Noel? I’ve nearly had enough of it. My star sign is Taurus, the bull, but we use AI ourselves.

What do you suggest?

- Charlie, Co. Cork

 Noel replies –Let it slip you’re getting out of Charolais, Charlie – leave a Salers catalogue in the dressingroom. That should shake him and get you a move out to the half-forward line at least.

The IFA have been known to make discreet interventions in matters of this nature too, Charlie. I would also place a letter on record with the Department, and if you now a local councillor, it would be no harm to put him on notice either.

If all of that doesn’t work, and they’re still housing you in the full-forward line, stake a mature Charolais bull in his front lawn some morning. You better nip this in the bud now or it will haunt you for life.

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