Dear Noel,

I’m tough, and I always have been.

During a primary school match, after I scattered three or four players, some of them from the opposition, my teacher roared in "mighty stuff, you’re as strong as two mans" and it stuck.

I’ve never lost that edge to my game. Noel, I think they are making a mess of the game entirely. You can’t break a hurley across anyone’s back at all anymore, not even during the warm-up. Even the hurling analysts on The Sunday Game have gone soft, and that’s the straw (and not the hurl, alas) that broke the camel’s back.

You could always rely on them to promote the bit of timber.

What do you think, Noel?

- Louise (14), Lower Upperchurch, Co. Tipperary

Dear Noel,

I’ve gone through The Cycle of Life i.e. I played Under-21 at 12, Junior B at 13, Junior at 14, Senior at 15, junior at 33, and now I’m back playing Junior B again – and playing well, too, if I do say so myself.

I’ve lost the vital half-yard of speed in a three-yard tussle, but, as the man said, I don’t start from A.

Last weekend, I played centre forward. The centre-back was around the same stamp as myself. We both played a cautious, energy-preserving game. We stalked each other from the word go. It was intriguing stuff.

I’d drop the shoulder as if I were going to make a run, and then stop. He’d call for a short hand-pass back from the midfielder, but then turn his arse to it. At one stage, a stand-off developed where he wrapped his two arms around me to stop me making a burst.

This impasse lasted eight minutes.

Someone roared in advising the other players to “treat the pair of them as a roundabout”, but you will get philistines everywhere. Others chanted Sumo-Sumo-Sumo.

Anyway, I diverge. We were both taken off with ten minutes to go – to give a run to lads who train. As we sat there on the sideline, hyperventilating in unison, I asked him who their good corner-forward was.

“That’s my son,” he replied, “me second lad.”
Should I retire, Noel?

     - Maurice, Co. Limerick (39)

Dear Noel,

I’m in my first year as physio for the county after a few years with my local club,
It’s such a step-up. My main attribute as a physio is speed. As one club player said, “I barely had my knee taken out of his stomach when you were on with the ice-spray.”

I often tended to a serious injury while the player continued to take a full part in the game.
However, at county level, it’s totally different. Last week, in a televised match, one of our lads went down in a heap. I rushed in. At first glance, I was fairly sure his sarcoplasmic reticulum had become altered through excessive activity (he’s a non-scoring half-forward.)
As I set to work, he whispered in a very aggressive fashion: “You’re here too quickly, I won’t get camera time at all now.”

I was stunned. Now I notice all the top physios take their time. They all just want to be on the box, physios and players.
What should I do, Noel?

     - Emanuel, address withheld.

Dear Noel,
I’m a corner-back with – if I do say so myself – a fearsome reputation for keeping my man to no more than a point per game. Lately though I have noticed a bit of slippage – in one game I was switched to the other corner after shipping 1-2.

I’m an AI man, and, actually, I have the fewest repeats in the east of the county. But business has slackened off in the last year. A lot of the lads are getting their own bulls.

I think the slowdown in my work could be affecting my hurling. Am I losing my edge? What do you suggest?

     - Adrian, Leinster