Dear Noel,

I know nothing about the GAA. I hadn’t even heard of you until I picked up the Examiner two weeks ago. I’m more into rallying, high revs, Auto Trader, camshafts, and exhaust manifolds myself.

The last few weeks, however, I’m seeing a girl I really like. Problem is she’s lunatic about Camogie. I bumped her into her in The Greyhound in Newcastlewest.

Her first words were: "Are you a man for ground hurling yourself, or do you like to take it up into the hand?" She was wearing a Limerick jersey, and a green and white bandana. She was a vision. I’m smitten.

Now she insists that I’ll have to go see her playing Camogie every weekend.

How can I tell my buddies I won’t be available anymore to park up outside the Home of the Hape chipper? She’s playing a blitz in Wexford the weekend of the Circuit of Ireland.

What should I do? Am I mad to throw it all there for a woman who spends all her time talking about her bas? I’m a panel-beater. Her name is Eileen.

- Austin (41), Ardagh, Co. Limerick.

 Noel replies – You’re hooked, Austin. Eileen has you wheeled. Burn your old Mercedes fleece. Take your elbow in and roll up the window. You’ve modified your last buggy.

Chalk it down, inside six months you will be driving the team bus, ironing the jerseys, and doing umpire. The day will come when you’ll look at a Corolla with charcoal alloys, a sports clutch, and full service history – and you won’t even feel the slightest stirring within.

I wish you the best of luck with her. Hopefully, the log book will show she’s had no more than one careful owner.

To our knowledgel, no "f***ing animals" had their feelings hurt in the preparation of this column. Noel just wants to bring some closure to key matters. Email This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it , or go route one on www.knowledgeablenoel.com.

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