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Written by The Knowledgeable Noel Corporation
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Wednesday, 09 January 2008 |
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Dear Noel,
I am the chairman of a junior club in Wicklow. The cost of running the club is rising every year. Our weekly Lotto is dying on its feet as we can’t get anyone to sell tickets – everyone is too busy these days to give anything back to the Association. We badly need to improve our home gates to keep the club afloat. Have you any suggestions?
- Le meas, Conor
Noel replies - The day might be long gone when we had to grease the gates with axle grease, Conor, just to deal with the heavy flow of people. One idea I heard recently was to promote home games by using celebrities from the Showband Era as umpires. But I’m not so sure about that one, though I do know of one club who are going to try it in 2008.
My reservation is based on the fact that, as you know only too well, most umpires have a God Complex and already consider themselves celebrities. They man the goalposts of Wicklow, and, indeed every other county, palm-in-palm behind their backs, infallible in their thick black-rimmed bi-focals, trim white jackets, and Farah slacks.
They signal wides like the Divine beings they believe they are (see image). May I recommend some other approaches? How about getting that fine singer Louise Morrissey to pull the numbers for the Lotto at half-time in a league game, and then maybe wire into a rousing rendition of Slevenamon.
I know she was always big down Wicklow way. Alternatively, sticking with the Showband theme, I have another trick up my sleeve. Do you remember The Freshmen? They might provide pre-match entertainment for games. Nothing like a good chant of Papa Ooh Mow Mow, Papa Ooh Mow Mow ringing out around a football pitch. Or possibly that young lady doing the topless bar-maiding in Montpelier in Limerick might have some relations (preferably female) over that side of the country?
Now I’m sure that would send them home sweatin’.
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Last Updated ( Monday, 14 April 2008 )
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