Liam, Lucan - “No, a case of mistaken identity, alas, Liam. I couldn’t make it to the Club Forum thing, though I was invited to speak. We had our dinner-dance here in the club and I got the Hall of Fame award. My third time getting it, actually.

Matt, West Westmeath – “Sell the pitch, Matt, and throw in your souls for free. I know €2.5m is tempting, particularly with your Lotto going badly, but I’d happily run a cake sale every week of the year rather than sell tradition out from under me. You’re just minding the club for the people coming next, you know.”

Larry, Limerick –  “Absolutely, Larry. If you tolerate that, anarchy won’t be far behind. If she doesn’t apologise, suspend her. And make sure she fixes the tap too before she’s let back in.”

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