Dear Noel,

Our county man is back training with us, but word is he wants to go to America for the rest of the summer.

The last time he was in the States, they ran him. The police found stolen stuff in his apartment: a Walmart shopping-trolley, four traffic cones, a collection of individual letters from shop signs all around Yonkers (he wrote ‘Keep The High Balls Low, Hi’ over his bed with them); two signposts, a post box, and two mannequins.

He thinks he has no chance of getting through Immigration in Shannon.

Noel, can you put a word in for us anywhere? He’s a totally negative influence on our team. If he doesn’t go away soon, we won’t even get out of the group.

Fintan, club chairman, name and address withheld for obvious reasons.

Noel replies: The Canadians will welcome him with open arms. Fly him into Chatham-Kent, and get a sympathetic Irish man there to smuggle him over the border. Back of a cattle lorry always a good option.

Fix him up with a job landscaping in New York.

Next time you’ll see him will be in a sombrero, sporting a moustache and sundry other items of disguise – on a protest march campaigning for a better deal for the Undocumented Mexicans.

Pay special tribute to him off the curtainside trailer the night you bring home the county title. That’ll keep his family sweet.

Of course, he could always transfer to a club in Dublin.

Noel never ignores the elephant in the room, especially when it’s himself. Email him on This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it ; visit www.knowledgeablenoel.com; Skype (knowledgeable.noel); and Facebook (Knowledgeable Noel.)

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