Dear Noel,

Our county man is back training with us, but word is he wants to go to America for the rest of the summer.

The last time he was in the States, they ran him. The police found stolen stuff in his apartment: a Walmart shopping-trolley, four traffic cones, a collection of individual letters from shop signs all around Yonkers (he wrote ‘Keep The High Balls Low, Hi’ over his bed with them); two signposts, a post box, and two mannequins.

He thinks he has no chance of getting through Immigration in Shannon.

Noel, can you put a word in for us anywhere? He’s a totally negative influence on our team. If he doesn’t go away soon, we won’t even get out of the group.

Fintan, club chairman, name and address withheld for obvious reasons.

Dear Noel,

Our club is in crisis. The team manager walked out last week when four players said they couldn’t make it to training because there were cattle on the road. They all live within three miles of the pitch. Yet, two other fellows came from Dublin and managed to get there on time.
Morale is at an all-time low. We haven’t won a game all season. The two lads who came from Dublin have said they are going to transfer next year. I’m chairman, and I need to show leadership here.

Can you tell me if it’s possible to get satellite images that would prove, for once and for all, if there were cattle on the road that evening?

     - Seamus, North Tipp.

Dear Noel,

We’re into our first county final for over 40 years on Sunday week. Have you any tips as to how we might prepare for such a big occasion
It’s an U10 final, and we’d all like to get behind the lads.

I was chairman back in 1967 when we got to our last final, but society has changed so much since, I might be out of touch. I’d appreciate any help you can give me Noel. This is a big occasion for me and the club.

     - Criostoir, club chairman, West Limerick.

Dear Noel,
I brought the lads away for a training camp in Playa des Ingles last month. The club officers came along, too.

Things got a bit out of hand. Nothing major – just a few unexpected brushes with transvestism, two lads invited by the apartment manager to find accommodation elsewhere, some ground hurling with a Camogie team from down the country, complaints about the rattle of the steel cogs in the corridor at night, a burger thrown at a moustachioed bar singer from Co. Mayo just as he was winding up for the last chorus of Peaceful, Easy Feeling.

Nothing you wouldn’t see in any small town in Ireland any weekend night.
But the chairman’s made a song and dance about it. He’ll resign if players aren’t suspended. In hindsight, the lads probably shouldn’t have fired him up on the carousel in Waterford Airport.

If the players are suspended, we haven’t a hope in the divisional junior championship this year. The chairman has forgotten that both training sessions went great in Playa des Ingles. You can’t make hermits out of lads either.
What should I do, Noel?

- Lar, club manager, Co. Carlow