Dear Noel,

Our club is in crisis. The team manager walked out last week when four players said they couldn’t make it to training because there were cattle on the road. They all live within three miles of the pitch. Yet, two other fellows came from Dublin and managed to get there on time.
Morale is at an all-time low. We haven’t won a game all season. The two lads who came from Dublin have said they are going to transfer next year. I’m chairman, and I need to show leadership here.

Can you tell me if it’s possible to get satellite images that would prove, for once and for all, if there were cattle on the road that evening?

     - Seamus, North Tipp.

Dear Noel,

We’ve a very promising young corner-forward in our club. He’s a brilliant man to show for the ball, particularly a 70-30 one. And while some of the lads criticise him because he is inclined to go for his own score, he is so accurate it’s hard to blame him.

This morning, I met him coming out of the newsagents. He was up in arms.

"Look, Maitias," he said to me, "they got it wrong again this week. It says here I got 0-7, and 5f in brackets. I only got four frees. The other three were real ones. This is detrimental to my career. Freedom of the press is over-rated, Maitias."

Anyway, I only tell you that story to let you know what the kind of guy he is: utterly determined, single-minded, wired to the moon, a born winner, every inch the modern player.

My problem, though, is that the team go swimming two nights a week, and I fear there’s a danger his dyed blond hair might turn green from the chlorine? What can we do to prevent this because if anything happened to his hair, it would really have the capacity to ruin our team?

     - Maitias, Assistant Irish Language Officer, un-named club, North East Galway

Dear Noel,
I’m at my wit’s end. My father says I haven’t a hope of ever coming to the attention of the county selectors because there’s nothing unique about my style.

I just don’t stand out. I score one point per game, like nearly ever other forward in the county; I have short, brown hair; no tattoo; weigh 12 ½ stone, and work as a primary school teacher. Noel, I’d love to do something to get noticed.

Have you any suggestions about how I might develop a distinctive running style?

     - Daragh, North Co. Dublin

Dear Noel,

The manager hasn’t brought me on in the last five games. I’m planning my annual walk-out from the squad. All eyes are on me now. I’ve got to get this right.

Last year, I left halfway through the second-half of the last league game before the championship. I did a handbrake turn in the car-park. It was in the middle of a very dry period, and I left dust and gravel behind me that took half an hour to clear. The referee almost had to abandon the match.

Any novel suggestions for how I’d do it this year, Noel? I’m on the road for a building supplies company. I play in the half-forward line, when I’m let.

     - Cian, Co. Clare.

Dear Noel,

I got a lifetime ban two weeks ago for a full-frontal assault on a referee. I pleaded I was going for the ball at the time, but still they threw the book at me.

Can you tell me, Noel, if the DRA are meeting this coming week? I have to be back for the second round of the championship next Saturday evening, as my brother is captain.

- Riobaird, name and address withheld to avoid further invasions of a decent man’s privacy.

Dear Noel,

I’m keen to get an edge. I was thinking about refusing to shake hands with my direct opponent before games. What do you think?

- Sean (22), West Laois.

Dear Noel,
I’d love to be a Gaelic games journalist when I finish college. I grew up in Newfoundland but we came home when I was 15 so my father could look after the home place.

Noel, I notice whenever a Gaelic games reporter writes about Kerry, they always use at least one Irish word or phrase. I haven’t got a lot of Irish, but I’m trying my best to get up to speed. I really feel I have the carraigeens for the writing game, Noel. If I don’t make it, the madra dubh will descend, gan dabht.

Noel, do the NUJ insist on the use of Irish in all Kerry articles? Am I criochnaithe? Any way a cabog from outside Labrador City could hit the big-time?

     - MacDara (29), West Wicklow.

Dear Noel: If you were Ciaran McDonald, would you cut all ties with Mayo?

Noel replies: If I were Ciaran McDonald, I’d cut my hair.

Dear Noel: I thought you were very rude to Louise last week.

Noel replies: How many times do I have to tell you, it’s a man’s game.

Louis, club chairman – “Thanks Noel for your advice about how to handle the Teagasc Advisor managing our team. The lads are flying. Last week he hypnotised one of our corner-forwards and told him he’d wake up thinking he was Peter Canavan. Next day he scored 2-3 (0-1f) in a top-of-the-table clash. We now play The Ride of the Valkyries over the public address system before home matches.”

This week’s Kick up the Noel goes to Leitrim manager Dessie Dolan.

I’m sure you read Dessie’s outrageous comments about Nickey Brennan. He took Nickey to task in most unparliamentary language over the decision to deprive Division Four teams of a second shot in the front door.

Nigel from North Kerry wonders how he might “convey the impression of control, calmness, and calculation” on the sideline on the day of a match. He’s managing his club U10s this year and hopes it will be the big break he’s been looking for.

I could talk about sideline deportment all day long – and, indeed, sometimes Nancy and I do when we’re out for a nice drive back west – but this one link here tells Nigel all he needs to know.